To Whom it May Concern,

I know it's your birthday today.  That's one of the few things I know about you.  I don't know where you are or who you're with but I truly hope that you're feeling loved.  I know how frightened you must've been, the last time we were together and I know that you faced decisions far too grown up for someone so young.  But please know this: I'm okay.  I'm safe and loved and I've always been thankful for your sacrifice.  And I never stopped thinking of you, especially as my own candles were lit.

Sincerely, Your Daughter

Here's the thing...

I heard someone say that God loves us with grace and then defined grace as "undeserved love." 

In a day and age when so many are feeling worthless and unloved, how is it an encouragement to be loved, in spite of yourself?  We are human.  We aren't perfect, we all make mistakes... Does that make us undeserving? 

I think that the brokeness of the human condition only makes us more in need of unconditional love.  If God is going to dole out love as a show of how gracious he is, then he can keep it.

A New Perspective

The Help is a beautiful movie that gives insight into what it might have been like to be a black maid in the sixties.  It shows, in utter disgust, the degradation and dehumanizing behaviour that was once quite prevalent.  It was poignant yet sweet and I cried my eyes out.

I truly believe with all my heart that 30 years from now we'll all be leaving a theater with wet cheeks and soggy kleenex, although, not from a movie about racism.  No, this time the movie will show what it was once like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or questioning.  It will bring us back to a time when religious orders called them 'aboritions' and 'hated by God.'  It will relay the struggles the youth of the LGBTQ community went through, with the bullying at schools and the pressures of straight parents, whose worst nightmares are for their kid to 'come out' to them.  And it will show how the ignorant politicians closed their eyes to equality, only begging that they don't tell if no one asks. 

We'll leave those theaters feeling smug and self-satisfied.  "Look at me," we'll think.  "I would never make derogatory comments about someone like that.  I would never say 'fag' or laugh at someone pretending to be homosexual or use the word gay like it meant something lame or stupid.  I'm horrified that people EVER acted like such heartless animals."

Until then, I'm getting sick of hearing people say things like, "If they want to be treated as equals, why do they get their own parade?  Why do they need to make such issues over everything?"  Well.  The next time you get your face kicked in simply because you're straight we'll talk.  You can have your own damn parade.

real

i don't believe in ghosts

nor santa nor the hosts

i refuse to trust in saints

nor dieties in paint

i won't let them sway

my hopes in any way

but i put my faith in you

for i know you're true

Hopelessly Hopeful

I'm a cynic. I believe in the worst life can bring. I fear the dangers that lurk round every bend in the road. I know the cruelty humanity can accomplish. And it is because I see the darkness, hidden in the corners of every room, I may also see the miracle of light.



If I had no knowlege of the horrors of this world it would be impossible to recognize the beauty of a selfless gesture. I wouldn't understand how precious it is to hear a kind and loving word. I could never know to treasure the radiance found in the human soul. Most of all, I could never fully understand the wondrous nature of hope.

look at this hole/you've broken me
i'm hollow beaten ruined
look at my face/you're haunting me
i'm shaking stripped ashamed

look at this mess/you've destroyed me
you're smug and satisfied
look at this life/you're scarring me
i'll never be the same

The Prince and the Pea

To read my latest short story, click here:

The Prince and the Pea

A new twist on an old tale.

Roses

Roses are for love.  Not forget-me-not, honeysuckle, silly sweethearts' love but the love that makes you and keeps you whole, love that gets you through the worst your life'll give you and that pours out of you when you're given the best instead.
~~Robin McKinley

beneath the snow, there lie the roses

there's a crack in every heart of stone
an open door that never closes
there's a light to guide you safely home
as time goes by..
~~RMc

  Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses.
~~Alphonse Kerr.

The Lake

I fell into a lake.  It was vast and dark and mirky and all things terrible.  I couldn't swim and I had no life vest.  I was drowning.  I kicked my legs and flapped my arms and screamed at the top of my lungs.  It was only me.  Me, the water and the wind.  The water would swallow me and the winds carry my screams with it.  I gave up.  To the bottom I would sink and there would be my grave.  Only the bottom came much more quickly than expected... I stretched out my legs and felt dirt.  I trembled with relief as I stood up.  Alas, this lake was only a puddle.

What a Mess

Bubbling over, spilling out

There's laughter getting everywhere

It's on the walls, on my shoes

Boy, we've made a mess in here!

I saw some hit the ceiling fan

And a little above the closet

We really ought to clean it up

But I say let's just leave it!

insomnia

i'm haunted by the memory
late at night it's all i see
it's in the air above my bed
it's in my veins in my head


each breath i take is thick with it
my stomach aches i'm sick with it
the darkness presses in
and yet again i'm reliving


the horror happened far from here
but the mind's eye is much too near
freedom calls and taunts me
still still the touch haunts me

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

~~e.e. cummings

Sitting at the End of the World

I sat down at the end of the world

I let my feet dangle as the ages pass by

I thought about the lives and stories and sighs

I watched them float into the night

There's no room for regret at the end

Only room to remember and breathe and say goodbye

I thought it would look different

But it's kinda nice, seeing the time fly

I leaned over the edge and stared with awe

To think, this is where it all goes

This is the place we all will arrive

But, ah, what is next?  No one knows...

hilarious

ha ha ha
what a clever, funny joke
i laughed so long and hard
my heart just bloody broke

you always think your humour
is so cunning, full of wit
but everytime you tell a joke
i feel i've just been hit

won't you leave me alone for once
i can't take it much more
the good you think you're bringing here
you've simply settled the score

for rachel

asleep

i saw you last night in my dreams

i don't know if you noticed me

as i watched you laugh and smile

your spirit was so alive

your eyes aglow

i suppose it should have cheered me

i cried instead

you saw me and waved

i told you to come back

you just kissed my face and turned to leave

down upon my knees i begged you

not to go again

we need you here

the memory of you has become so dim

your light so small

the tears fell as i wept

you pulled me to my feet and said

i'd see you again

then i awoke

i prayed for sleep to find me again

I Could Fake It

 I like you
But I don’t really want to
I think of you
Would you kindly get out of my head?

I hate you
Or at least, I’m trying to
You’re too nice
What’s the matter with you?

I don’t want to fall for you
I don’t want to open up to you
But I’m falling and I’m opening
Maybe I could fake it?

You look at me
Like I’m worth looking at
You smile at me
Like I make your whole world turn

You’re beautiful
Would you please cut that out?
You’re perfect
God, you’re driving me out of my mind

I don’t want to fall for you
I don’t want to open up to you
But I’m falling and I’m opening
Maybe I could fake it?

I’m scared to death
And I want you to leave me alone
But I’m crazy about you
What have you done to me?
What have you done to me?

I don’t want to fall for you
I don’t want to open up to you
But I’m falling and I’m opening
Maybe I could fake it?
But I don’t want to
Not this time
No, not this time

Here I am, please don’t break me

Oscar

"Roar," said the lion

who was really a little mouse

His tiny paws

turned mighty claws

and saved my life from dragons

Though toil and troubles may hunt me

and truest dangers ne'er more found

I shall not fear

the horrors here

for I am safe and sound

Stranger

 I fell. 


It wasn't down a rabbit's hole, though it felt close.  I landed on my hands and knees, feeling the grass beneath me, cushioning me.  I wasn't too battered; I'd live.  I dusted myself off as I got to my feet.  Took a moment to glance around me and realized I was suddenly a long way from home.  Immediately I was afraid.  I wanted to return to the comforts of the familiar and the safety of the ordinary.  Everything I saw looked ominous and menacing-- the fragrant roses threatened to tear my flesh with their thorns.  The glimmering lake could bury me beneath its surface.  It was all so dangerous and unknown.  I closed my eyes and wished myself home, but it didn't work.  I was here and I was alone.

Except that I wasn't alone.  There was a kind face staring into my own, smiling at me.  A hand outstretched in offering.  So harmless, if I would only just trust.  Yet my trained eyes saw what was sneaking in the shawdows of unassuming goodness.  Oh yes, there was a truer danger here in the sweet looks and the caring smiles.  More so than that of thorns and thrashing waves. 



I could not allow myself to be fooled by the enticing beauty, so I pushed.  As hard as I possibly could, I pushed the affection away from me.  I pushed until I fell backwards.  And it hurt.  But as I looked up, the person was still looming, still a tender figure, a look of amusement in its eyes.  A hand stretched out farther this time, so to reach me, prostrate on the ground.  After moments of torn silence I gave in.  What could it hurt, to allow a stranger to help me in the slightest of ways?  It felt uncomfortable and thrilling, all at once, to put a morsel of faith in someone I truly didn't know.  But it didn't mean I liked them.



As soon as I was on my feet, I pulled my hand away.  But it wouldn't come.  At first I assumed it was because the gentle grip had tightened, forcing my appendage to stay.  I looked into the brown eys, feeling panicked and afraid, but the eyes were still calm and kind.  Then I saw that my very own hand was the traitor.  Tightly I held onto the soft palm, against my will.  My hand liked the strange hand and it wanted to stay where it was.  Stupid hand.

Fine.  I would indulge my hand.  I would stay for a few, stay and cast a sideways glance at the person who had seduced my reckless fingers.  The face was resplendent and the glow hurt my eyes.  I would look away, but I really didn't want to.  What was happening to me?  How and when did I become so careless?  I used to be an expert at protecting myself, and here I was, begging for the wolves to come and eat me alive.

"Who are you?"  My voice had an echo in this mysterious place. 

A smile, wider this time.  Dimples.  Of course this angel had dimples.  It was a mirage of innocence, designed to make me fall.  "You know who I am." 

Did I?  I squinted at the radiant stranger.  It was rather familiar, this hand in mine, this warmth that was now embracing me.  I felt a peace, a fearlessness I hadn't felt in so long.  I never wanted to let go.  I looked in awe at my surroundings.  There were an array of the most vibrant flowers, slashed across a lazy meadow.  The lake that had threatened to engulf me turned out to be placid and blue.  There were butterflies and hummingbirds and robins scattered through the caressing breeze.  I was most definitely standing in a wonderland, accompanied by the loveliest creature I had ever seen.  The tranquility never left Stranger's face.  I wanted to be lost in its enchantments.  I desperately yearned to feel the joy that flowed from its eyes.  That's when careful arms wrapped themselves around me.


Those arms were a cacophony of strength and fragility, as though they knew the importance of slow caution.  I was the proverbial deer in the headlights.  But the strangest thing yet happened.  Instead of the desire to flee, I melted into the folded arms.  All of my fears, all of my hurt and all of my lonelieness came forth and I began to cry.  I cried for the lost child inside of me.  I cried for the years I had spent pushing and for the wasted breath of a life unlived.  The arms became tighter.  So much so that I could do nothing but allow all my weight to be born by Stranger and its comforting arms.  


Eventually my eyes dried and I rested my weary soul on the shoulder of Stranger.  It was the most peculiar feeling I had ever experienced.  I was safe, I was cared for, I was happy.  It was devine.  I spent what felt like hours drinking in the effervescent colours that danced around us.  I would never leave this Utopia, with all it's whimsy and hope.  


My breathing slowed and I knew I had slept for several minutes as soon as I reopened my heavy eyes.  Again I stared at the glorious scenery.  I noticed with mild surprise that there was a chill in the air, but it was all right.  Stranger emanated heat from its body and I was able to look up into the great sky.  It was now a speckled navy blue, freckles of stars blinking and giggling down on us.  I fell back into sleep.


This time when I woke we were laying in the soft grass, daisies and daffodils swaying around us.  Stranger appeared to be asleep and the breeze blew colder than before.  I pressed myself into Stranger's hold, and in doing so, Stranger's eyes flicked open and I was greeted with a smile.  


"I'm sorry I woke you, Stranger...  I'm just a little cold."


Stranger laughed.  It was a pretty, chiming sound, like bells or chattering water in a magical stream.  "My name is not Stranger."  As the echos of Stranger's words calmed, a soft cloak was wrapped around me.


I blushed furiously.  "I know.  But... but I don't know your name.  You haven't told me."


A hand under my chin lifted my embarassed gaze back to the bewitching face.  "Yes, my dear, I assure you, you do know my name."


Another flash of shame.  How could I not know my wonderful savior?  Surely I would've remembered someone so... so...  good.  But there it was again.  A tiny hint of familiarity.  Just out of my reach.  On the edge of my memory.  I was angry at myself for not being able to capture the thought.  Really, though.  Clearly, I wasn`t the one in control of this situation.  Stranger, or whatever its name was, could just tell me.  Have an ounce of mercy, for crying out loud.  Look at what I had been through.  I was desolate for so long.


The indignation flowed through my veins, igniting me.  I shoved back slightly, only to let loose a grunt when I realized Stranger`s arms were too securely engulfing me.  That only irritated me more.  ``Let go.``


Stranger`s face, for the first time since I had entered this mysterious location, wasn't warm and soft and joyful.  There was a mixture of compassion and a pulsing hurt in its expression.  I felt a jab of guilt, but the guilt only served to feed my fire.  Why should I be to blame for it holding onto me that firmly?


It dawned on me that I felt a little cramped.  I needed to stand and stretch and Stranger wasn't releasing me fast enough.  I kicked slightly, and squirmed like a toddler in the beginnings of a tantrum.  "I said, let go!"


Stranger dropped its arm as though I had struck it.  The distress on its face turned my heart cold with regret, but I ignored it and scrambled to my feet.  Once there, I looked down on the majestic creature.  Now that I was standing above Stranger, I saw a vulnerabilty I hadn't noticed before.  I softened.  "Please tell me your name?" I queried.


A hint of delight crept back into Stranger's expression and my guilt was assuaged.  "You truly do not recall my name, dearest?  Not even from when you were a child?"


"What," I exploded, "does this have to do with my childhood?  You know nothing of me or where I have come from!  Do not pressume that you've seen my type before and that you know how to ease my troubles!  Those are none of your concern!"  I spun quickly away from the cowered being and crossed my arms over my chest, protecting my bare arms from the biting cold.


The contrast of a tender hand on my shoulder nearly warmed my whole back.  I ached with the desire to just forget this whole thing and fall back into kind and gracious arms.  But my pride, ah, such a noble and terrible thing, my pride kept me from turning around.  I would not crumble.  I had been weak enough for one day.  "Leave me, Stranger."


The silence hung in the air like fish suspended in water, swarming me with the pain it often causes.  "I mean it, Stranger.  I don't care what your name is.  I want you to go."  I felt my insides quake at the thought of Stranger actually leaving.  A part of me knew it would call my bluff and sweep me off my feet and never let go.  Another part of me worried, What if it actually goes away?  I couldn't bear to be alone again.  Not after feeling the protection and hope I had experienced here in Never Neverland.


"Do you mean this, dearest one?"  There was a tremble in the powerful voice that hadn't been there before.  "Do you truly know what you ask?"


I huffed with exasperation.  "Yes, of course I do.  I don't need you.  I don't need anyone but myself."  I paused to steel myself.  Like a Band-aid, I told myself.  "Now, go."


And it went.  I could feel it leave, though there was no sound.  Stranger, with all its glory and devastating goodness, had left me.  And the break in my heart nearly dropped me to my knees.  I was a once-full vessel that was now dried up and barren and the loss of it all shocked me.  I could lay down to die, the affliction so horrible.  Indeed, death would be a welcome relief.


I did eventually fall to the ground.  For a time I couldn't even bring myself to cry, I simply curled up and bled out my self-pity.  But the tears came.  They came and they swept me away.  I didn't notice when it began to rain.  I didn't notice the winds pick up and whip my hair around.  I didn't even notice the menacing eyes in the night, sizing me up for tonight's dinner.  I would've gladly gone with the beasts, had I known.


At a point in the night, I got to my feet and began to walk.  I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, I just walked.  And walked.  I walked until I was no longer numb.  The ache in my tired feet spread to my legs, which awaked my torso and made its way to my head.  Then I stopped abruptly.  I was home.


I felt an enormous amount of consolation at the sight of my beloved little house and I rushed inside, slamming the door behind me.  I leaned against the door, hoping my weight would keep the whole nightmare at bay.  One long breath, in, out, then another.  It was all going to be okay.


But it wasn't.  I looked at my things.  Flat.  Lifeless.  Dull.  The belongings that once meant so much to me, the small joys I had missed so much when they were gone... it was all meaningless.  It was meaningless because I had discovered a new kind of meaning, one I had not enjoyed since I was a child, in the arms of my mother.  The love she had given me so freely, the way she held me tight enough to keep the horrors of the world out of reach, it was so similar to Stranger's unceasing embrace.


Stranger.  Oh, god.  Of course.  Stranger wasn't a stranger at all.  Stranger was Love.  Love that I had known so well when my mother held me safe and sound.  Love that I had run away from in rebellion and spite.  Love which I had just banished. 


And now I was alone.  Just as I had asked. 


I had thought that I could protect myself from pain by building the walls that would keep Love out.  Little did I know how cold and empty I was, until I let Love in.


And now I was alone.  Just as I had asked.

Down

I don’t know where I’m at

I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

Jason Walker

The State of Love

The best thing about being in love is waking up to dream of that person.  Wondering what adventures lay for the two of you that day.  Will he laugh at your joke, tipping his head back and letting loose the most beautiful sound in the world?  Will an accidental compliment slip into mundane conversation, causing you to glow from within for the rest of the afternoon?  Will you blush at just the thought of his hand on your back, leading you to do rash and naughty things to him later that night?

It's the suspense of the everyday simplicities of love that have made it worth living, killing and dying for.  The grand gestures are fine, but the little glances, the tiniest of smirks, the least of romances that make for the preciousness of the state of love.